Parenting a "tween"

 I shared a funny quote on FB today. It goes: "My favorite thing about being a parent is being told I am wrong constantly by someone who is dependent on me for food, clothing and shelter."

It is hilarious but quite aptly sums up what I am going through these days with Manya. The first things out of her mouth after I am done talking are usually "No" or "Mom but you don't know", "You won't understand" or simply, "you are wrong". Like seriously, where is my lovely baby who looked up to me for answers on everyhing. I guess the years ahead are only going to get more difficult and this is just the preview. Humor helps. The song these days I absolutely love to annoy Manya with is here for you:

From the 1900s...

Manya and I were having some sort of an argument (nothing new there) earlier in the day on something totally non consequential when she goes:

“Mom you will not understand because that’s not how it was waaaaaaay back in the 80s”

Me: “what do you mean waaaaaay back”

M: you know like the last millennium, the last century - you were born in the 1900s right!

Me: okay, not really, let’s go back to referring to the time as 80s.

And now I am sitting here and thinking - we were the young teenagers that heralded the Y2K. Remember? This millennium was supposed to be ours but by the time we could make any sense of it we are like already touching 40s. Anything recent in memory is already 20 years ago!!I feel cheated!

Bringing up kids in a racially diverse community...

This article reminded me of the time my daughter thought she couldn’t be a princess and wished she too had blue eyes, blonde hair, and fair skin. Oh how far we have come from there...

We as adults think race is not an age appropriate topic to discuss with kids, surely not preschoolers - but that’s not true. Kids see color - it’s only us adults who are great at pretending that we are blind to it.

It is important to discuss color and race and differences as the conversations organically come up - to brush away our children’s observations as “oh no we are all the same” is not right. Understand the context they are coming from, acknowledge how race and color can affect relationships and reactions in the real world, and then assert that that is not right. Educate them about the science - melanin duh! Based on their age, talk about the economics of race.

And very importantly, tell them stories and history of their own culture - let them see not just the oppression but the success stories - the heroes and the heroines from everywhere.

And finally teach them love and kindness and acceptance for all - we are raising our children in a shrinking world - they are going to show us how to embrace and celebrate differences and thrive because of them, not inspite of them.

Online Learning vs. In-Person Parenting

 #Lingo2020 #ZoomLives #OnlineLearning #InPersonParenting

Our soon-to-be-8-but-going-on-18-with-all-that-sass daughter saunters down the stairs this morning...

Me: Hey Manya, good morning, you slept in today. Well what do you want for breakfast and then you can get on with your work day.

Her: Mom, At this point I only have my video on. Audio is not connected. Can you repeat that later when the network is better?

....

Well I never! This is a new format of disobedience in this house. And I am yet to figure out a good comeback - after all learning might be online but parenting is still in-person!

I am thinking more on the line of when I am called for, I should just say, "You are in the waiting room. The host will let you in when it is convenient."

Needs vs. Wants in the Times of Corona

Now this class assignment went very well. Very educating and elightening (hopefully) for the little missy!

This lesson posted here so that can be revisited whenever the need arises.

Parenting in Quarantine: Physical Distancing and Online Connectivity

#CovidStories

So there are enough jokes about moms in particular and parents in general being driven up the wall by specifically two questions - “What should I do?” and “What can I eat”.

You know what’s offering respite - online real-time classes. Just imagine a bunch of elementary kids in a Zoom conference call. I am passively witnessing one and it is a stress buster. I pity the teacher though.

Prelude:

M: Mom am I looking okay in the video

Me: who cares manya - nobody is interested

M: I am interested in how I look - let me check and test properly!!

First 10 minutes:

“Who’s there”

“Hello, me”

“Hello, can you hear me”

“Hello, don’t talk together”

Next 10 minutes:

Apparently, they have to sign attendance...

“Can you see the pen icon”

“What is an icon”

“Near the mute”

“No don’t mute”

“Who me”

“No, you”

“Can I use highlighter instead”

“This is a tough job”

We are on the 31st minute and I think they are becoming pros at it. Well atleast till the next time. And I get 60 minutes of free me time.

Btw, the little monster gets on a Skype call with her piano teacher next. Call me a sadist but watching this tiny 7 year old negotiate her way around all this technology and then getting so exasperated with ensuring the device is charged, on time connectivity etc - as she goes around finding her quiet place for her “very important conference call”, making sure the door is shut tight and what not - is just so amusing. #FirstWorldProblems

#MorningCardiacArrest

Me: Manya what are you pouring over this seriously first thing in the morning.
M: Mom, I finally figured out the f word that is really bad so now I am checking out the exact meaning in my dictionary.
Me (😱😳🤭🤨😖😫), composing myself: Oh really, what is it?
M: You tell me, I’ll tell you if I got it right or not.
Me (not falling for this): How about we take turns to spell it. I’ll go first - F
M: Okay, R
Me (kind of calmed down but now in a fix): I?
M: Freak has an i or an e after r?
Me: E E E - come I’ll help you find the word - let’s learn how to use the dictionary. And remember Freak is very rude - you will not use it. Okay?
M: okay, now let me look for some more bad words.
Me: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Maneuvering thru Parenting Labels...

(Context: This article!)

It’s so difficult to meander thru the many labels parenting gets. Every once in a while I panic - am I being a helicopter parent? Am I a lawn mower? Am I letting my child fail enough? Am I giving her opportunities to learn enough and grow enough?

I agree with all these articles and people that talk about failure, and acceptance of it being such an important aspect of shaping young minds but in everyday moments it is tricky - when do I hold back, when do I let go, when do I save her sand castle, when do I build her a snowman, when do I let her fall, when do I carry her in my arms...

#Cheeky Brat and Big Words - COMPROMISE

Manya’s time tested tactic to sneak in screen time - whenever she sees me engrossed in a phone call, she’ll start pestering. And mostly if its a call I cant hang up or put on hold to reason out (read as shout and argue), she knows she can get away with. Who cares if mommy gives a lecture afterwards - those stolen moments are well worth it.

Today was one of those days - I was on a rather long call with customer care (you get the drift), and she started the cajoling - already frustrated with the long wait, I snapped at her. She writes this and hands it over to me. I signal what, and she whispers back with utmost gravity, “Mom, I think you should learn to compromise - you should listen to the lady on the phone and to me too. Can I please watch screen. I’ll switch off when you are done with your call. We all will be happier that way.”

Sigh.
With every passing day, I realize parenting is mostly a compromise between what is best for your child and what is best for your sanity.

(P.s. even though my first instinct was to tell her the correct spelling, I just let her watch “my little Pony” instead)

Stranger Danger

Manya has been learning about stranger danger for a couple of weeks now at her martial arts class. Prior to this, during our trip earlier this year to India for my brother's wedding, Vish and I had been talking to her about being aware of strangers and especially in public places sticking to only mommy or daddy etc etc.

It is very difficult to explain the concept of stranger danger to a three year old - you have to keep that delicate balance between keeping their faith in humanity and all the goodness there is in the world and at the same time cautioning them to the ills without going into details. A curious and communicative child like Manya just adds to the complexity.

Also, sadly it says something about the world we live in if we cannot let our children trust our fellow home sapiens without any fear.

Here are some conversations we have been having...

"Mommy how does a bad stranger look?"

"Why would anyone want to hurt me?"

"Would a stranger try to hurt me even if I am friendly and nice to him or her?"

We are currently at this understanding: Most strangers are good. However, there are a few bad ones out there who can hurt you, so it is good to be cautious around all strangers because by looking at someone you can't really say whether they are good or bad. It is okay to exchange common courtesy or pleasantry with strangers but no other conversation without a parent or a safe grown up (teacher, family, friend). There are certain "safe" strangers who can help especially if parents are known safe grown-up is not around - police, firefighters, paramedics, doctors.

Phew, things were much simpler when we were growing up!

A beautiful doll like me...

There might be some sort of a correlation between daughters and dolls, or not. But, Manya and mommy both love dolls :D.
In our case, Manya was gifted her first dolls by friends, and it was only on her second birthday did we as parents present her with a doll as she had been asking for a while. Subsequently, on her third birthday, she again wanted a doll, which in her words. "should be as beautiful as me..." (As an aside, I never denied we are not raising a narcissist :P)

My daughter is close to 4 now, and the struggle that I continue to face in my quest to search for a doll as beautiful as her is crazy - yes, that has to be the word. We are about 1.2 billion Indians (I agree with not all same characteristics), but how difficult is it for a toy manufacturer to make a doll with brown skin, black hair and black eyes that is not size zero. We are a nation that has produced Miss Universes and Miss Worlds more times than I can remember (never mind, my personal opinion against most beauty pageants) yet when it comes to our dolls (or maybe even most of our so called beauty models), we whitewash them - pale fair skin, blonde golden hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and pink lips - why are those still our standards of beauty worldwide? It broke my heart when M stated matter of factly the other day when we couldn't spot a single suitable doll across 3 stores, "I think only golden haired dolls are pretty" (why else she couldn't understand weren't there other kinds of dolls), and it did become my mission to find dolls that were pretty and not blonde.

We currently reside in the US - In the last couple of years I am increasingly aware of the growing number of black (and I don't see why black is politically incorrect - African-American seems more factually incorrect!) dolls on the shelves beside their white counterparts - which is awesome! But brown dolls - no luck. Dora comes close but if you are a parent of a preschooler, you know she is not made to really cuddle with. So the other day, I was having a conversation with some mommy friends, and they realized that it was true that even if brown girls were fairly common in the US, brown dolls were not. I have still not taken this omission from the market too much to heart - it is the US, there are so many different people out here and so be it if certain nationalities are not represented really - (not everybody is competing with the emojis, I understand *rolls eyes*) - Also the greater problem might be state representatives rather than doll representative, just saying.

These are Manya's first dolls as presents from friends...

The great Indian vacation was surely going to be our answer - or so I thought. I was very sure that back home in India we would get the dolls like "us" - but if you think finding a brown doll in the US was difficult, it is impossible in India. Infact, when you go to a store and ask for a brown doll, people look at you as if they don't understand what you are talking about. Friends suggested the Trudi brand (Italian), and when I checked their catalogue I was thrilled to see so many kinds of dolls - brunettes and black haired, and different eye colors - well somebody is doing it right (so what if it costs an arm and a leg, and only if you can get your hands on the limited stock). So, I went around looking for their black haired doll - ready to shell out any amount but with little success. I was, however, able to get my hands on Ginger (from Trudi) and she was different - not white, a little speckled even, not a blonde and green instead of blue eyes - one takes what one gets and we bought it for about INR3500 or about USD 60.00. Expensive for a doll, but not bad considering the options we had.

Here's Ginger...

Quite disappointed when we returned after our Indian vacation, I commenced serious research and realized that there were options out there, though not readily available in physical stores. American Girl clearly tops the list. Spendy again. I mean USD100+ is atrocious - you pay a price for egalitarianism, I guess - or is that the price for being "different"? Anyhow, they have really upped their game. (Tip: check out Zulily for deals! :D)  Here's the bitty baby that Manya got on her 3rd birthday and she was absolutely delighted. I really think it looks like her baby version :).

Madame Alexander, long considered the inferior cousin to American Girl, does comes a close second - I see greater choices added every now and then - less expensive too but again not available in physical stores easily.

Manya wants a cuddly soft toy doll this time, and these kinds are much easier to find but again you have to ignore the oneness of the color. Kayla (she is supposed to be a tall 28" brunette) is waiting for M in the store room since mommy grabbed her already at a great deal.

As we aspire to bring up our children to be confident in their own skin (quite literally too); to be respectful towards the diversity that comes with origin, race, culture, religion, country, sect, gender, sexual preferences; to be able to put values of love, help, and general goodness above any such differences, we as parents would really appreciate help that can come from big corporates who manufacture toys for these young clay-like minds. In an ideal world, my daughter should be able to go to a store and see all kinds of dolls (at a varying price range), just as she walks into her preschool class and befriends so many "different" girls!  Diversity is great - ofcourse it fuels curiosity - my daughter has been asking why some girls have golden hair and blue eyes, and if only those can be princesses (Thank you, Disney! - but that would be fodder for another post). But such questions are important - whitewashing the whole toys section just seems unhealthy in a world that's already coping with issues of acceptance of the "other". Don't you think? 

Rules of Engagement: Toddlers

Our little cub is not so little anymore - from a new born, to an infant, to a baby, to a toddler - she has crossed through quite a few stages; and as we prepare to say adieu to toddlerhood and hello to the preschooler, I thought I'd put in my learning in a post to share - with parents who are going thru or will be going thru this stage soon, so that they know it never gets easy - with parents who have already crossed this stage, so that they can sit back, laugh, and thank god they are done with - with friends who are not yet parents, so that they know exactly what all to consider before taking the giant leap! :P.

And I am happy that I haven't broken the tradition of a post around Mother's Day - fourth year in a row! Thank you and a very happy mother's day to you too (whatever that means, because I haven't seen a non-Mother's Day in the last 4 years :D)

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, based on limited experience and research, presenting to you Rules of Engagement for Toddlers (Age range: About 1 - 3 years) - written from their perspective (ofcourse)...

I Rule of Ownership

Everything is mine - my stuff, your stuff, the neighbor's stuff, the friend's stuff, the play gym's stuff. If it is in somebody else's hand, it is definitely mine. If I can't have it, oh yeah, it sure is mine. If it is dangerous, I was born to own it. If it is broken, lying within reach, or nobody's showing interest in it, I might consider for one fleeting moment, that it may not belong to me. This poem makes a fun read on the subject.

II Rule of Time aka Rule of "NOW"

There was no past, there is no future - no yesterday, today, or tomorrow. I live in the present moment - NOW. I want candy now.  Want to go to the park now. Play now. Eat now. Cry now. Kiss now. Jump now. There's only one small exception to the rule - I never ever want to sleep now.

III Rule of Appetite

I am never hungry except when - you are using the restroom, on the phone, working, cleaning up, in the grocery store 5 mins post evening snack, at an outing where food cannot be made immediately available, when guests are home, and most importantly at nap time and bed time.

IV Rule of Night time Sleep
Fed, cleaned, brushed, changed, bed time story done, song done, all snuggled up in bed, I need to talk. I feel hungry. I definitely need to use the potty. I need a drink. As that sweet kissing mommy changes to a monster yelling at me, I quickly fall asleep so that she spends the rest of the night in guilt of shouting at me as the last thing of the day.

V Rule of Napping
Refer to Rule IV on Sleep above. In addition to that, there's a strong possibility I'll skip napping altogether and then I'll fall asleep in the car, driving to the groceries, so that mommy is caught in the eternal struggle to wake a sleepy baby or spend time browsing on her phone in the parking lot. (My mommy is getting smarter - she has a book ready on her tablet for such occasions.)

VI Rule of New Clothes
If you have dressed me in new clothes, I am surely going to soil it, spill food on it and generally make it unwearable before we have even gotten out of the door.

VII Rule of Vocabulary Building
I will pick up only those words and expressions that you don't want me to. You can never be too careful. And I will keep repeating them for everybody, till every single person knows how bad your language is. Don't even try spelling it for my sake - people find it cuter when a curse word is spelt out correctly by humans of my age.

VIII Rule of Arms against Common Enemy
Nobody is on your side - not me, not your friend, not your own mom and dad. I act extra sweet and cute when with extended family and friends, because I get sympathy, empathy, and such support that I almost begin to feel sorry for your state. Life is unfair, you often tell me. Haa!

IX Rule of Potty
Resist potty training as much as I can - as if my life would cease to exist if I were made to sit on the pot. And when finally potty trained, I sit on it all day singing, playing with toilet paper and creating a mess - potty is my favorite place to be. Also, it is of utmost importance to use the potty when mommy sits down to eat, when she is cooking, when there are guests, when in a new place and never mind there's no nature call - I just fake it. Also, I talk about potty all day - it has become the center of my being.

X Rule of Persistence
If I am told a NO, keep asking, whining, crying, in the hope that one day that NO will change into a Yes. And if that is not achieved, I atleast get the distinct satisfaction of my mom pull out her hair in desperation.

XI Rule of Unpredictability
I hate when adults are so sure about my like and dislikes. Hello! Till you get it signed on a stamp paper, don't hold me to what you think my favorites are. That includes what you think are my favorite foods, clothes, games, activities, people etc. I like to experiment and not be so predictable!

XII Rule of Argumentation
I first want to know WHO and WHAT. Who is that? What is that? Everything - everything all over a million times. Then I want to know the WHY - an infinite loop of Whys. You don't think you can keep up? Why?

XIII Rule of Positive Action
Ending the list of rules on an ominous number, I just do it. If it looks dangerous, if I know they are not going to let me do it, if I think it might cause panic and alarm, I will definitely take the plunge.

Finally, one overarching Golden Rule: While following all the above rules, I don't forget the hugs and kisses and cuddles and snuggles and the innocent puppy faced glances. These adults are suckers for such. Just as I know the dam of patience is going to break, I say or do something incredibly sweet and that gets me the get out of jail card for free!

#TimeoutFail

If you have been following this blog every now and then, you'd know that M has quite the temper - which manifests itself in tantrums, crying and what not. She is also extremely naughty - downright cheeky - a chipmunk for whom NO translates into look into trying harder to challenge restrictions and boundaries. On the other end is poor me, who often tries to balance the mommy in me with the impatient person that I am. It is not difficult then to imagine the number of face-offs we both have in a single day.

So in order to tame the little shrew and give myself some cooling off time, we introduced the concept of timeouts. For my lucky non-parent friends, you can look up the term on wiki here. The first time, I explained to her (yeah right, explained to an 18 month old!), what I was going to do, and why. And I also told her I love her blah blah - so basically all the parenting gyaan from the books and Internet was shared offloaded. It was a breeze - about 2 mins of timeout and she was back to being the golden girl that she is the rest of the time. The second time, which happened a couple of weeks after the first, was effective too. And just when I thought I had this whole disciplining and parenting thing under my belt, my daughter throws a googly!

At 18 months two timeouts, come the 19th month, timeout has become a joke. I had reserved time outs for only the big tantrums, the absolutely ugly bad behaviour instances. But this chit of a girl has gotten the better of me. Now, the minute I say Manya, No, she looks into my eye, and asks, Timeout? The first time she did it, I could have died of guilt - Was I being extra tough? Did she hate me for it? Aww, my poor baby, I hugged her tight and told her that timeout was not for everything, only when she was being a very very bad girl. She promptly went to her sippy cup and poured the water onto the carpet, and again asked me, timeout? I swear I could have pulled all my hair out, but I forced myself to be gentle - so I told her yes, if she'd continue behaving like this timeout would be given. 

And then what my 19 month old toddler did, stunned me - she went to her room and banged the door shut and said timeout! She played for a couple of minutes and came out as if nothing had happened. 

As if this was not enough, one day Vish came home tired and she kept on pouncing at his cell phone, when he gave her one of those rare annoyed looks - she closed the door on him and said, timeout!

Now, close to 20 months, this is our situation - for every small thing, from morning to night, he keeps asking me, timeout? I try ignoring her and the one or two times that I say yes, she goes off on her own. So, when she is actually behaving badly, I am at a loss of what to do - there is no long term benefit of giving a timeout - she continues to behave as badly as ever irrespective of the timeout! 

What takes the cake away is that the other day I saw her fussing for a piggy bank at a store - my mommy instinct told me this was going to quickly turn into a full blown tantrum - so I gave her my gravest look ever - and you know what she did - she said, timeout? I said yes, at home, if you behave like this we are going for a timeout, okay? And she coolly looks at me, and says, okay. And continues to demand for the piggy bank! WTF. I have never felt so helpless!!!

So, what do we do now? I take a timeout instead! 

Any experienced parents who'd like to guide us here? 

No screen time!

You'll hear most parents lament the fact that all the techniques and disciplining mantras they had always sworn by go kaput when the baby actually arrives. It is really really true. So many "rules" are bent and worked around to allow for individual spaces (that is a very polite way of saying to give into stubborn infants/kids). (But that would be a different blog post.)

However, Vish and I have, as parents, stuck to some basic principles that are more-or-less non-compromisable for Manya (and have remained such in the 8 months so far - phew!). Out of these, one is no screen time till  M turn 2 (years) - so we have 16 more months to go. We follow this quite strictly - no screen time means no TV, no computer/laptop/tablets, no phones - basically nothing with a "screen". We also minimize any "background exposure", which means if she is around there'll be no TV running in the background. Music is okay. There are two exceptions to this rule. (1) She is allowed Skype time with family and friends. (2) Once in a while, we do show her photographs.

Our reasons are very simple. Babies and infants do not have the ability to correlate motion picture with the sound (low cognitive retention, and all that dense scientific lingo too), and when they start doing so (as they grow), they "learn" to become passive observers rather than proactive participants. Even after two, I personally feel screen time should be kept to a bare minimum and should always be supervised (not only to supervise the content but also to engage the child in understanding and relating to the content). 

I come from a home where mom and dad were very strict about TV watching in the growing up years. Even in high school and senior school, we were allowed only half an hour to an hour of TV everyday - and a movie on the weekend. It was in college that finally this rule was "lifted" mainly because we got quite out of hand by then :D. I can't really compare on how I have turned out vis-a-vis those who watched TV at will - but I do know that when I look back at my childhood - it is filled with vivid memories of lively family conversations, lots of books, board games, picnics and playing and running about. Strangely, the tears I shed because I was not allowed Batman AND Small Wonder AND Star Trek on the same day, are all forgotten (and forgiven :D)

Growing up in today's times with technology having encroached in all private spaces of our being, I know "controlling" will be more difficult than in the 80's and 90's - but I will try - really hard. Screen time can be a lot of fun, play and learning and I will ensure it's used only for that - and not as a substitute for real life, real people, and real play.

Aah, but what really made me write this post was that because of this rule, guess who's suffering the most - yours truly. I have to steal in my screen time to coincide with her naps - and most of that time goes in FBing and blogging, leaving little room for TV or movies :(. Your own rules come at a price, huh? Just when I thought I was "THE" parent and "I" would "MAKE THE RULES" :P. Sigh!

Why your parents want you to have kids: And of my increasing faith in Karma and the Cycle of Life

(A standard telephonic conversation - could be any day...)

Mom: Hi Yuvika, what's happening?

Me: Hell's broken loose. (Followed by one or more of these rants:) M doesn't stay put at one place. Massages, diaper changes, everything has become an ordeal. Apart from that she is a fussy eater - she doesn't sleep too well also. I woke up so many times in the night. Oh, yesterday, she also threw her ball on my face. I think my face suffered first degree injuries...

Mom: Oh my god, stop accusing the poor baby. This is normal with children. You have no idea what all you used to do. You were worse. (Followed by one or more of these accusations:) You would pull out your soiled diaper. You used to keep acting hungry even after a full feed. You used to bang the bed so hard. You used to pull my hair.

Me: Hello, so you mean to say I had Manya so that she could avenge you?

Mom: Oho Yuvika, don't be silly. This is how it is when you have kids. You should bask in the joys of motherhood.

Me: Aah, I can smell sarcasm there. I know you are secretly delighted that finally I am getting to experience what you went through. Very bad mummy, you should not harbor feelings of revenge against your own children.

Mom: Ha ha ha (I am sure she had devils' horns flashing too). You are so funny. Okay, now I need to go pack. We are driving to Bhimtaal for a mini weekend getaway in a couple of hours - we plan to reach by evening and sip some wine as the sun goes down, behind the mountains. What are your weekend plans?

Me: Meh. Sleepless nights, soiled diapers, endless feeds, teething troubles, blah blah.

Mom: Chalo, please take care of her and don't trouble her too much. Everything will be alright and by the time you have a second one, you'll be a pro and all this will be normal routine! And you will get plenty of sleep once the children are off to college!

Me: What!!! I don't believe this!! Waah! (To myself: WTF! The cheek to mention a second child in the same breath as wine and sunsets!)

And so after atleast a trillion such exchanges, I am convinced that (barring the joy that becoming a grandparent brings - no responsibilities and lots of fun!) the big reason your parents want you to have children is because they want you to go through the miseries that they did (:P). If that was not the case, what explains the fact that no parent will ever go into details of all the compromises and the pains that parenthood brings when you don't have a kid. They'll urge you with subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints - there will be ample encouragement - visions of the infinite love, the eternal bond, the everlasting joy (which is all true) but, but hang on, they don't warn you against the infinite sleepless nights, the eternal worries, the everlasting running around. 

You know, in a perverse way, it is the cycle of life - that is continuous and, much to the pleasure of every parent, a very fair cycle. The naughty child becomes the parent to a naughtier child, while the original parent becomes the grand parent and cheers the grand child to finally close the circle. 

This brings me to my other new founded belief in karma. Unfortunately, what goes around does come around. No escaping that and no point in hoping that you can postpone the paying back to your next janam/birth. All income will be and is taxed in the same cycle. No carrying on of dues etc. So, every time you have an altercation with your parents and your mom or dad retorts saying, "you'll know when you have a child" - trust me, someone up there is recording all of that, which will be exacted with interest years later when you do have a child. Parents know that because they have been there and done that and this is something only experience can teach you. 

So, dear readers, consider this post a boon to you if you still are not married/don't have a child. You will soon realize this is the only place you get the whole story including the brutal truth :D.

(P.S.: Manya darling ignore this post for the time being, we'll see when you are on the other side :P)

Signing off with a deceptive picture - don't let the serene smiles fool you - I just gave you all the gyaan, right? ;)

THE Question (of children)!

(P.S. Walking on egg shells with this one. Please indulge.)

Where do I start? Maybe from when I was a child...

...So as a child, whenever I thought of my "future", at a personal level, I always imagined I'd be married and have kids. I don't know if this is something we all Indian kids grow up with, or atleast the 80s kids grew up with - this notion of a happy family unit being the focal point of living. As I became "worldly wise", I started questioning all these established social institutions of marriage, family, parenting... (even schooling, remember the famous lyrics: We don't need no education :D)

Okay, seriously, as I read about so many cultures, of worlds different from ours, of concepts alien to ours, comparisons were inevitable. Pros and cons were not always fair to "our" side. And while, we could joke about these established institution - having been brought up in primarily traditional family setup, a sincere  debate on the need or questioning the bases, would still be sacrilege. For example, I truly believe that marriage is nothing but a socially accepted form of living together. Family is defined by blood not by signed papers, but guess what? Ownership of wealth and property is defined by signatures - hence there has to be a formalization of relationships. But, when I fell in love, the obvious conclusion was marriage. I can't even begin to imagine if I had merely hinted that marriage would not be necessary. Ouch, never, not even jokingly.

Now, for most, the natural progression after marriage is kids. Yes, I'd always wanted to have kids, that never changed. But once, when long ago, somebody asked me, WHY, I found myself fumbling for the "right" answer. That discussion left me very unsettled. I could appreciate every reason given to me as to why that person did not want to have kids - all were very logical and very sensible. But that didn't seem to affect the fact that I wanted kids.

Surely, it wasn't social conditioning, or was it?

I could swear to death that I LOVE kids - but then why have "my own" - why can't I be happy playing with those around me?

Could it be the unconscious need to live ever after through your child/children. That human hubris that wants immortality. Or you want a successor to "inherit" your legacy? Naah, I think myself to be too practical for that, and I don't really have a kingdom in my will.

Continuing the human race, you say? Hogwash! There are enough people on this earth. If you don't have a child, the human race would not come to an end.

Some argue, to bring about new blood and new thought. Yeah right! How many of us want to have a child only because we want him or her to become like Mother Teresa or a world ruler.

Then, could it be that essentially we are narcissists - so when we see miniature versions of ourselves - we find them adorable and cute - and in a way returning the compliments to ourselves. We wanted the perfect life and we feel we will be able to see that in our children and hence live life once more, the way we wanted to.
But, surely, we know better, don't we - children are individuals in their own right - and they'll go in directions you cannot even fathom, and live lives we can not ever imagine.

Having children surely brings joy - unparalleled joy; but we all know that it also requires lot of compromises, sacrifices, and hard work. Why do we still brave all of that? Only to experience that happiness, which you anyways don't know of till you have a child, and yet you decide to have a child.

And while I continue to search for "THE" answer, I open it to you all. If you have children or want to have children, WHY?