...memories from the womb days, the bassinet burps, the diapering disasters, the coos and the awws, the mighty firsts, and all those little moments part of growing up!
Showing posts with label conversations with my daughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversations with my daughter. Show all posts
Me (in disbelief): Have you even brushed your hair.
M (super offended): ofcourse, what do you mean?
Me (trying to not shout): your hair is all over your face - isn’t your vision imapaired! You look like a shaggy wolf!
(As those words were coming out of my mouth I braced myself for the hysteria my “hurtful, mean, insensitive words” were going to cause )
But here’s a twist,
Manya (sudden change of tone - absolutely delighted, joyous even): Are you serious mom?!
Really?! I was going for the wolf look - wolf bangs are in! You are so cool - you know what word to use when! Love you!
Needless to say I was in shock - compliments and love yous are getting rarer and often coerced. I was not sure if I should reiterate my point or just let it go.
Like any sensible tween parent would recommend, I let it go. Got a hug as well. I consoled myself - atleast I would not be able to see the rolling eyes as often and who knows my admission in the cool club might last the day!
(Got reminded of this today as she convinces me to get her a “proper, professional shaggy wolf hair cut” - it’s a thing folks, you have been warned!)
M: Mom today C (a boy in her class) asked me when my parents would be okay with me to start dating.
Me: Why does he want to know?
M: Generally, we were discussing stuff. So I told him my mom says I can date when I am an adult, am done with my education, have a stable job, can pay my own bills and rent and have my own insurance.
Me: Yes. Exactly. Thank you.
M: He was very confused as to what any of it has to do with dating.
I think I should rename this blog to "Time Flies". It seems just like yesterday that I was worrying aout Manya going to a full day Kindergarten in a new city with nobody she'd know. While loooking for homes to buy, the middle shcool didn't even feature in our conversations and guess what, we are here already.
Too cool to pose for mom. Sassier, leggier. More spicy than sweet. Ms. Big-Know-It-All.
Me: I love you Manya, have a great year and a great day.
I shared a funny quote on FB today. It goes: "My favorite thing about being a parent is being told I am wrong constantly by someone who is dependent on me for food, clothing and shelter."
It is hilarious but quite aptly sums up what I am going through these days with Manya. The first things out of her mouth after I am done talking are usually "No" or "Mom but you don't know", "You won't understand" or simply, "you are wrong". Like seriously, where is my lovely baby who looked up to me for answers on everyhing. I guess the years ahead are only going to get more difficult and this is just the preview. Humor helps. The song these days I absolutely love to annoy Manya with is here for you:
M: So mom I was reading somewhere that sometime in the future AI would make it possible for you to choose characteristics of your baby - not just physical ones but how much intelligence, kindness, empathy etc etc
Me: yep, have read bits and pieces here and there myself - sounds scary to me honestly - controlling human life like that.
M: Well - so tell me how much intelligence would you give me if you could make that decision.
Me: I don’t know - I think I would opt out of coding you - I’d just let you be - because else what individuality is left.
M: Hmm, so in a world where every parent is giving that advantage to their kid, you will choose to not give me that advantage - so you choose to give me a disadvantage.
Me (forced to give this more thought at bedtime than I would like): Hmm you make a very interesting point.
M: even today when you can’t code me you still expose me to books, experiences - you take me to the doc, give me shots, lecture me…you dont really let me just be … so how do you decide what advantages to give me and what not.
Me: I am impressed by your ability to think so deep on this - you are right - If everybody is coding their kid to be super intelligent… would I be pressurized to do the same - perhaps … but to what extent - what are we making then - human kids or robots … at that time I don’t know how my thinking will be influenced - it’s too hypothetical at this point anyways.
M: right - nobody has the right answers to everything. We ourselves don’t always know what’s best all the time.
Me: true…
M: that’s why you have to be patient - and not have so many expectations
Me (totally taken aback with the change in course of the conversation): what do you mean? I have minimum expectations…
M: well that’s what you think - I cant go to school, be regular with work, be well behaved, aaannnnd also keep my room clean.
Me (fast catching on and quite annoyed): Manya it’s Sunday night and you haven’t cleaned you room have you. You cant find a few minutes once a week to tidy up?
M: mom you should have waited to have a kid till AI makes it possible to code your babies.
Me: that is so unfair!
M smirks. and I tell her it’s too late now anyways to change those decisions so might as well clean up. She sighs loudly and makes it clear that she disapproves. I don’t care - I’ll take anything - as long as that room is tidied up. Phew…
M: no, but see that’s the thing with boys - they are not thinking
Me: uhuh
M: boy-a is not a bad guy but he just did it. Also did you know he has a crush on girl-a and everybody knows because he clearly needs help - but girl-a doesn’t know
Me: well that’s pointless he should just tell her - why this big drama
M: you don’t understand mom - he can’t just tell her - that’s a big step to take on your own.
Me: well it doesn’t matter either ways - I mean what’s a crush anyway / it’s like you like one person more than the others - what else!
M: yeah but eventually you might date then and end up marrying them - it all starts with a crush
Me: that’s nonsense - between crush and marriage lies an eternity - and nothing’s certain - people change, feelings change.
M: that’s true and anyways it’s does not seem very wise to marry the first crush you have ..
Me: truer words of wisdom have not been spoken
M: i don’t even know if I’ll ever end up marrying you know
Me: well time will tell..
M: yep but it seems difficult - I mean in my experience only one-third of the boys are really sensible you know. What do you think is the ratio?
Me: no that sounds about right..but let’s not get into this generic boy bashing - I mean talking of generalizations there might be some great things about boys.
M: ofcourse - the best thing about boys is that they are very simple - they don’t think much - they fight, they make up, they move on - it’s not like they say something and mean something else - it’s pretty straightforward - you know like baboons - I love that about boys
Whatever ounce of self control I had was lost with that comment - and I had to excuse myself to laugh in private because this was a very sincere conversation and I didn’t want her to feel I was condescending in any which way - It’s just that I don’t remember being so insightful in 3rd Grade!
Manya and I were having some sort of an argument (nothing new there) earlier in the day on something totally non consequential when she goes:
“Mom you will not understand because that’s not how it was waaaaaaay back in the 80s”
Me: “what do you mean waaaaaay back”
M: you know like the last millennium, the last century - you were born in the 1900s right!
Me: okay, not really, let’s go back to referring to the time as 80s.
And now I am sitting here and thinking - we were the young teenagers that heralded the Y2K. Remember? This millennium was supposed to be ours but by the time we could make any sense of it we are like already touching 40s. Anything recent in memory is already 20 years ago!!I feel cheated!
This article reminded me of the time my daughter thought she couldn’t be a princess and wished she too had blue eyes, blonde hair, and fair skin. Oh how far we have come from there...
We as adults think race is not an age appropriate topic to discuss with kids, surely not preschoolers - but that’s not true. Kids see color - it’s only us adults who are great at pretending that we are blind to it.
It is important to discuss color and race and differences as the conversations organically come up - to brush away our children’s observations as “oh no we are all the same” is not right. Understand the context they are coming from, acknowledge how race and color can affect relationships and reactions in the real world, and then assert that that is not right. Educate them about the science - melanin duh! Based on their age, talk about the economics of race.
And very importantly, tell them stories and history of their own culture - let them see not just the oppression but the success stories - the heroes and the heroines from everywhere.
And finally teach them love and kindness and acceptance for all - we are raising our children in a shrinking world - they are going to show us how to embrace and celebrate differences and thrive because of them, not inspite of them.
The other day, my 8 year old asked me why Kamala Harris was considered the first person of color to be the US Vice President - surely there were other people before her and what if they were white - Wasn't white a color - like black, and brown and yellow?
That was a difficult question - Why do we use the phrase people of color for non whites? Isn't white a color?
You have been calling 6th November as Manya Day since forever now. Works for us except that every day other than 6th has also become Manya Day for us ;).
I love how excited you get about your birthdays - I still do at my age. A party or not - we have the complete paraphernalia - balloons, flowers, decorations, cake, wrapped presents, handwritten cards - May you always find it in your heart to celebrate yourself and may you always be surrounded by people who love you and want to celebrate you for the amazing person you are. May you be worthy of their adulation and pride, always.
This time around your enthusiasm for your birthday was matched with the election fever that has caught you strong. When I look at you today, I cannot see the tiny baby we were blessed with 8 years ago - even though you did take over our lives like a storm even back then - there's so much more force and vitality to you. You are confident, strong, brave, and you move with a whirlwind pace. As you flit from one interest to another, one conversation to another, hurrying about - I want to just hold you and let time stand still. But that's the nature of time - it doesn't stop - it keeps flowing.
I admire that you are a person who embraces varied interests and pursuits. You play with your dolls but also run amuck and go digging in the dirt and mud. You enjoy your girly giggles and gossips and can also talk politics and business when you need to. You pick a sewing needle with as much ease as a bleybade or a drone. You like your electronic gadgets but find time for your sketching pencils and paints and colors and paper and books too. Always remain like this - embrace all that you see and want - don't shut out worlds without experiencing them. There's always a fun adventure on the other side of everything. And most importantly - balance - it seems like an impossible concept to explain but I know you can feel it. Always remain connected to that voice.
"Halfway to Sweet 16, Mom!" That is what you exclaimed today (after ofcourse asking who did Nevada go to!). It took me a while to even respond to that. How can that be right?
My, you are 8! So do we say goodbye to the Sassy Sevens now? I asked you, in the spirit of alliteration, what would go with 8. "That's easy mom", you said. "Electrifying 8!" "Exquisite 8!" - Umm not exactly what I had in mind but well okay - that then till I find something more appropriate :p
Our soon-to-be-8-but-going-on-18-with-all-that-sass daughter saunters down the stairs this morning...
Me: Hey Manya, good morning, you slept in today. Well what do you want for breakfast and then you can get on with your work day.
Her: Mom, At this point I only have my video on. Audio is not connected. Can you repeat that later when the network is better?
....
Well I never! This is a new format of disobedience in this house. And I am yet to figure out a good comeback - after all learning might be online but parenting is still in-person!
I am thinking more on the line of when I am called for, I should just say, "You are in the waiting room. The host will let you in when it is convenient."
Quite a coincidence that a few days after I updated this blog with the post - One and Done, we had this conversation.
Me: "Manya, I am so done with repeating the same thing over and over again. It's like you have sworn to never listen at the first go." (Don't ask me what this was about - we are in isolation, remember, thanks to COVID-19 - we are all on the edge every now and then, but rest assured it was "not my fault".)
Manya walks to me with determined steps and in a very grave, sombre tone says...
"You know mom, that decision about having just one kid - that was a great decision by you. You simply don't have the patience for another kid."
I was aghast - she sprung that on me out of nowhere - no context, nothing. We haven't talked about this in ages. I could feel the rage rise through me...I tried to keep it all in, and just said cockily..
"Thank you for your great insight. I know my decisions are always right and so am I. Now get back to doing what I am telling you to."
Juvenile, yes but in my daughter's words, "whatever".
M: Mom, why does this electric pole warning say the word buried - is somebody buried here?
Me: Oh no Manya - it reads electric lines buried - check before digging.
M: Oh I thought you used buried only for people.
Me: No ... anything that is under the ground could be buried.
M: Oh. Mom is there is a graveyard in our city?
Me: Yeah - most cities have cemeteries or graveyards. Ours has one too.
M: Hmm...so all dead people are buried in cemeteries?
Me: Actually, a lot depends on the culture or more so the religion you are born into. Christians and Muslims bury their dead. Hindus burn them - it's called cremation. And then the ashes are usually scattered in a holy river or a place of importance to the person...
M: So what are we again?
Me: Hindus..
M: Oh no, that is cruel. I would never want you or myself to burn.
Me: Manya you have to understand the context - anyways once one is dead they can't feel the "burn". Hindus essentially believe that only the body dies, the soul lives on. So cremating sets the soul free and the body is believed to have come from ashes and returned to ashes. Also, in hinduism, fire is supposed to have a purifying power, something essential for rebirth, for life to continue...it's not really a symbol of destruction..
M: Hmmm. So when you die would you rather I burn you or bury you? I'd prefer to bury you - then I can visit you and have you close by...you know like Anne (of Green Gables) often visits Matthew Cuthbert's grave and plants roses and remembers him...
Me (amused at the inherent presumption of the necessity of death in the question): Umm, I think I'd rather be cremated...you know set free...
M: Okay, and what would I do with your ashes...
Me: Umm, let me think...
M (after great thought and with absolute earnestness): I know, I'll keep a little with myself always - and I will eat some so you will become a part of me...
Me (not oblivious to the morbidity of the conversation, a little emotional at her intent at an ever elusive "forever" and genuinine introspection): Umm keep a little of me with you for sure - but I am and always will be a part of you...irrespective of whether you choose to keep me with you or not - and you surely don't have to consume my ashes.
M: Okay..but I want to have some of your ashes and you know I have an idea what I'll do with the rest. I will sprinkle them in your favorite places...outside your parents' home, in all the pretty beaches, in the mountains. And some I will sprinkle at places that I visit and find very beautiful - so there will be a little of you in all the beautiful places.
Me: I think that is an awesome idea. I couldn't have thought of anything better. This covers it all. Nothing would make me happier.
M: When do you think will be the right time for you to die? I want you to die of old age at 103.
Me: There is no right time to die - we human biengs are inherently greedy - we always want a little more and a little more and a little more. Maybe I'll be at peace when you are well settled in your own independent life - are done with your education, have a career...
M: And you need to meet my daughters too..
Me: Yes and then there is that....but I am confident that you'll take charge of your life and always do what is right and good and I'll always be proud.
M (brushing away emotions in a very mature manner): 103 will be fine mom.
Me: Sure!
(We have reached home by now.. and M rushes to Vish, who has ofcourse no clue to what conversations we have been having...)
M: Daddy, would you like to be burnt or buried? And if burnt, what should I do with your ashes?
Vish (with that look screaming "now what the F#$% is this about"): Umm...what...where...umm...
M: Oh daddy...
(and then she spends the next hour and more debriefing him, after which it's settled in a quick minute that he wants to be one with the mountains and the family settles down for a round of icecream because inspite of the inevitability of the end and the bitterness that underlines it, life must be celebrated for the aching sweetness it brings :))
-----
Update: And this is why I love blogging, I just realized that 4 years ago we also had a conversation on the subject of death - Read it here. It will be fun to see how our conversations continue to meander as she grows :)
(Background: As early as February, here in Seattle, the COVID-19 panic had started - which meant most "essential commodities were not available. At that time I had a partially opened bag of Basmati rice - I usually take smaller quantities in an everyday use container and keep refilling. Since the bag was more than half full, I didnt think much at the time. Come April, I realized our stocks were gettng depleted - now by this time most Indian stores were closed - making only deliveries - no Basmati rice was available anywhere. As a last resort, I picked a big bag of California long grain rice from Costco. Finally, Basmati in our household did get over and I got around to making the other rice.)
Manya: What's this stinking, short, fat rice you have made?
Me: What do you mean? It is normal rice?
Manya: No it is not.
Me: Manya, we usually have the Indian Basmati rice but since that's gotten over - only this is available. This is California long grain rice.
Manya: Oh boy, I do feel bad for the Californians.
Me: It's okay - it's not that bad.
Manya (launching into a lament): It's horrible. What has this world come to? A person can't even enjoy a simple meal! Oh, how I miss the good old days of basmati rice. I will never complain when you make plain daal and rice again - but with basmati. Oh how we must suffer in this pandemic.
Me (thoroughly amused): Sure, whatever. Eat up.
Manya (after a few spoonfuls): California - who would have thought? Aren't they advanced or something? They can't produce decent rice? Are they asking for donations to improve their rice quality? I will personally donate from my safe. Oh my god, I pity anybody who has to eat this rice.
Me (in splits) : Manya you are sounding so serious - don't rant like an old woman. Come on!
Manya (in a no nonsense tone): I don't know why you are so amused. There's nothing funny about this rice or this situation that we are in. Please check if basmati rice is available somewhere. Can nana send us some basmati rice? Indian food rocks. It's the best food ever. I used to like California but what did they do with the rice...
Believe me she went on and on and on....And I was tenderly reminded of my dad who can also launch into a rant if something very basic is not in place....
As I mentioned in the post here, M and I have been working on hindi language skills for the past few weeks - a bit of writing (I realize now that hindi is a much much easier language to write - it follows logical phonetical patterns...), a bit of speaking, a bit of listening. Honestly, it is seeming tougher than I thought. With Vish and I mostly conversing in English, Manya does not get to "hear" hindi - which means her exposure is limited and the nuances and context of the language is that much harder to pick up.
In frustration, she goes the other day, "How do I know whether āĪāĪŪāĪ°ा (room) is boy or girl? How do I decide when to use what gender?" We are sticking to the good old wisdom - the more you use a language, the more you'll know.
Add to the gender mess, the pitfalls of translation. That goes two ways - in sentence construction - you cannot literally translate word for word - because the grammar and syntax and semantics differ greatly. Then the biggest hurdle at this point - vocabulary. With English, M first heard the language, then learnt to speak it, then learnt to read it and finally learnt to write. Over the years, her vocabulary has really grown - she expresses herself and her emotions in complex sentences using words beyond her age. Now, she feels the vaccumm of that lack of expression in hindi. We tell her not to think in English and try to translate, but try to think in hindi - but that is easier said than done. We are at the linguistic stage of āĪŪेāĪ°ी āĪŪाँ āĪा āĪĻाāĪŪ āĪŊुāĪĩिāĪा āĪđै | (My mother's name is Yuvika.) But developmentally, what she wants to actually say is āĪŪाँ preposterous āĪđै | "Mom, what is the hindi for preposterous?". Gosh, I have no idea! Forget the big words. "Mom what is the hindi for arm pits." Ummm. Errrr. "Mom, do you really know hindi?" Oops!
So ofcourse I had this big brain wave. She needs to watch hindi videos! What better way to use technology to learn a language. Since I am pretty clueless as to the current kids' hindi watchlist, I went back to my own childhood for pointers. We started with the then very famous and popular video on Doordarshan. Who does not remember "āĪāĪ āĪिāĨिāĪŊा , āĪ āĪĻेāĪ āĪिāĨिāĪŊा". This was ofcourse immediately dismissed as boring.
I then introduced her to the source of my first childhood nightmares. āĪĩिāĪ्āĪ°āĪŪ āĪāĪ° āĪŽेāĪĪाāĪē. M was completely taken in by Betaal. She anyways loves all things gore, so the fascination was obvious. However, the stories (quoting her) "just don't make any sense". Also as I watched I realized that the stories were not only age inapporpriate but completely irrelevant given how the times have changed.
Finally, Vish started watching the Ramayana with her and they have been going on steadily. However, I don't know how much hindi she is learning. Every few minutes she lets out an exasperated sigh and finds something absolutely silly, stupid, obnoxious or "this just doesn't make any sense". We have reached the part where Ram and Lakshman have finally found Hanuman and the story of Bali and Sugreev is introduced.
Here are some of her observations in her very own words...
"I love Indian gods and the Indian kings and queens from the olden days - they have so much gold, and gems, and jewellery." (A side note: In complete contrast to me who is a no jewellery person, M loves jewellery - the blingier the better!)
(Ram-Sita Wedding)
"Why is everyone looking at Ram so lovingly? I don't find him that handsome. Why is Sita's mother looking at him like that?"
(Me: "Manya she is captivated by his divinity - his beauty, charm - his godliness.")
"I think he looks quite ordinary."
(Ram being sent for vanvas)
"This is so unfair. Why does Ram have to agree with his dad? He is wrong. Everybody is wrong. It is just not fair. "
(Me: Manya those were the days when the kids followed the parents' word without a question. There was absolute obedience - no ifs and buts"
"I think that's pretty dumb. Anybody can be wrong. You love your parents but you don't have to follow them if they are wrong. I would never leave all my jewels behind and go to the forest. And why does Sita have to go? If I was Sita, I would just take my jewels and go back to my parents' home."
(I was itching to start a conversation about satyug and kalyug but decided to park it for another day - kalyug is here to stay ;))
"Why are all the men top naked - what do they do in winters. How much can all those necklaces keep them warm? In the summers do the jewels on the bare skin cause rashes?"
(Sita apharan)
"This is ridiculous. Ram is such a useless husband - if he has all these powers, why can't he just give some to Sita so she can protect herself."
"How can drawing a line around Sita help?"
"Why is Sita so powerless - why can't she fight for herself? How come no woman has special powers? Why are only men fighting and women crying?"
"Why does Ravan need another wife when he already has a wife? Does getting more wives make you richer? Don't you marry for love? Then how can he force Sita?"
"Mom, the animations and graphics are not so realistic - everythign looks a bit fake. They need to make a new one."
Yes, they do!
Phew, I will keep you posted as we progress with the epic. Till then wish me luck as we grapple with allegories and metaphors and even unquestionable logic!
(PS As we were having these conversations, I was reminded of a conversation around Ramayana that I had exacty a decade ago with my then four year old nephew that I documented here. Maybe deep analytical skills, when it comes to mythology and epics and stories, run in the family ;).
“Mom, you are too enthusiastic about all this school work, home schooling and all that. Calm down. I’ll never share your enthusiasm. You have no patience with instructions and I have no patience for your instructions. This is never going to work. I will never choose homeschooling and you can never teach. You don’t even know what representation checks are. You don’t know what diagraphs are. (Followed by a long list of things I don’t know - I have already forgotten the terms). This is a temporary situation and no need to be so enthusiastic. There will soon be an antidote for this corona virus and we will be back to minding our own businesses.”
Ouch that hurt (my enthusiasm in particular).
I swear all I did was say, “yay let’s see what we can schedule into our day today”.
)
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