One and done!

Though it is no longer a rarity, the idea of a single kid family is still met with raised eyebrows - especially if the decision is out of choice. And we will get into more of that later but first the why.

There is no really convincing why honestly - I have seen couples make this decision out of finanacial considerations, or because moms don't want to put a hold on their career a second time, or they simply think they are too old etc etc. Different strokes for different people. But let me focus on our case. 

When family members and friends have enquired, depending on how the questions has been put forward I have been either frank and honest or defensive - none of your business really! As I have gained more white strands than I would like, I have realized this line of questioning in any manner does not aggravate me any longer. Maybe because I am now surer of my choice and myself? 

Let's start this at the very beginning. I love kids! I absolutely have adored the tiny version of my brother, all the teeny weeny cousins that followed and the nephews and the nieces. When it came to a family of my own I was very sure I wanted atleast two of my own - all before I touched 30. But life had other plans - I had my lovely munchkin at 29. The sleepless nights and the zombie days that followed, I was convinced I was not cut out for this mothering s@#$. I swear I remember laying awake at night and thinking I had read the signs all wrong - turns out after all I am not a kid person.

In the next two years, I started feeling more like a real mother than an imposter who was faking it all - the conversations at home about a second one got more intense. We thought we should start trying after M turns three-three and a half. I'd be more experienced and she'd be less needy. But guess what happened when missy turned that age - she was potty trained, no diapers, no night feedings, no 100 ton snack and diaper bag needed always; we could pack her and ourselves at short notice and travel. Travel. We realized we have such a happy camper and an absolutely cooperative trooper - cross country flights, flights over the atlantic, jet lag, endless hours in the car and she'd still be cheery. (Knock on wood) It seemed all too perfect to change the dynamics. Suddenly, I was not looking forward to another two years of being a 24 hour all you can have milk bar, endless diapering, and all the sleeplessness all over again. We had really hit a very very sweet spot and didn't want more. And that is it. The fact is we are content and our hearts full. Also the emotional angle cannot be forsaken. The good days were plenty and great but the down days were there too and on those days one predominant thought would come to me was often thank god there's only one who is sick or jet lagged or going thru some phase or the other. Clearly one is all the energy and patience I had for and I embraced it. I did not look forward to being the super mom juggling never ending schedules and appointments and what not. I still do not. But that is for me. I do not judge who wants to have kids and how many or if any at all. God knows I still love kids. Adore all my friends' littles and love and respect those who decided to have more than one or not. 

However organic, honest and real our decision making sounds to us, it's often met with but you are being selfish, but your child will be lonely, but your child will not know how to share and love, but this and but that. If I was writing this post even two years ago, I'd be tempted to post research and articles defending my choice but that would be naive of me. I never referred to those to make my decision - it just happened. So now, I just good naturedly respond to the naysayers and multibaby boomers hey guess we'll just see. I am happy with my decision and that's all that matters. 

Manya used to often say she wants a sibling and that is one guilt that stirs ever so often in my core because I know she would make a great sibling. But I brush it away - for my own sanity - I love functioning within my known capacity limits and have been totaly honest with Manya about it. Added to that I think being a total Type A, my need to be in full control of specific situations, the better half's extremely hectic work days and schedule, I find the thought of being outnumbered by my kids truly daunting ;).  I have confessed to M in so many words, "You complete us so thoroughly that we don't feel the need for another child. Yes, I am sure it would be delightful to have one of your own, a forever friend, a sibling - but mommy and daddy could only manage so much so here you are." When she was 4, one of the moms at her preschool told me that she said, "babies are hard work and my mom doesn't want to work hard enough." Ouch can't say that didn't hurt but got to give the kid A for perception!

They often say that if you feel an aching anticipation in your heart when you see a baby that means you really want one, and while I absolutely enjoy babies, I am ever so glad to give them back to their moms. When I see a baby I see a bundle of joy, albeit a very heavy one, one that requires a lot of endless work and responsibility ;).

Why your parents want you to have kids: And of my increasing faith in Karma and the Cycle of Life

(A standard telephonic conversation - could be any day...)

Mom: Hi Yuvika, what's happening?

Me: Hell's broken loose. (Followed by one or more of these rants:) M doesn't stay put at one place. Massages, diaper changes, everything has become an ordeal. Apart from that she is a fussy eater - she doesn't sleep too well also. I woke up so many times in the night. Oh, yesterday, she also threw her ball on my face. I think my face suffered first degree injuries...

Mom: Oh my god, stop accusing the poor baby. This is normal with children. You have no idea what all you used to do. You were worse. (Followed by one or more of these accusations:) You would pull out your soiled diaper. You used to keep acting hungry even after a full feed. You used to bang the bed so hard. You used to pull my hair.

Me: Hello, so you mean to say I had Manya so that she could avenge you?

Mom: Oho Yuvika, don't be silly. This is how it is when you have kids. You should bask in the joys of motherhood.

Me: Aah, I can smell sarcasm there. I know you are secretly delighted that finally I am getting to experience what you went through. Very bad mummy, you should not harbor feelings of revenge against your own children.

Mom: Ha ha ha (I am sure she had devils' horns flashing too). You are so funny. Okay, now I need to go pack. We are driving to Bhimtaal for a mini weekend getaway in a couple of hours - we plan to reach by evening and sip some wine as the sun goes down, behind the mountains. What are your weekend plans?

Me: Meh. Sleepless nights, soiled diapers, endless feeds, teething troubles, blah blah.

Mom: Chalo, please take care of her and don't trouble her too much. Everything will be alright and by the time you have a second one, you'll be a pro and all this will be normal routine! And you will get plenty of sleep once the children are off to college!

Me: What!!! I don't believe this!! Waah! (To myself: WTF! The cheek to mention a second child in the same breath as wine and sunsets!)

And so after atleast a trillion such exchanges, I am convinced that (barring the joy that becoming a grandparent brings - no responsibilities and lots of fun!) the big reason your parents want you to have children is because they want you to go through the miseries that they did (:P). If that was not the case, what explains the fact that no parent will ever go into details of all the compromises and the pains that parenthood brings when you don't have a kid. They'll urge you with subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints - there will be ample encouragement - visions of the infinite love, the eternal bond, the everlasting joy (which is all true) but, but hang on, they don't warn you against the infinite sleepless nights, the eternal worries, the everlasting running around. 

You know, in a perverse way, it is the cycle of life - that is continuous and, much to the pleasure of every parent, a very fair cycle. The naughty child becomes the parent to a naughtier child, while the original parent becomes the grand parent and cheers the grand child to finally close the circle. 

This brings me to my other new founded belief in karma. Unfortunately, what goes around does come around. No escaping that and no point in hoping that you can postpone the paying back to your next janam/birth. All income will be and is taxed in the same cycle. No carrying on of dues etc. So, every time you have an altercation with your parents and your mom or dad retorts saying, "you'll know when you have a child" - trust me, someone up there is recording all of that, which will be exacted with interest years later when you do have a child. Parents know that because they have been there and done that and this is something only experience can teach you. 

So, dear readers, consider this post a boon to you if you still are not married/don't have a child. You will soon realize this is the only place you get the whole story including the brutal truth :D.

(P.S.: Manya darling ignore this post for the time being, we'll see when you are on the other side :P)

Signing off with a deceptive picture - don't let the serene smiles fool you - I just gave you all the gyaan, right? ;)

THE Question (of children)!

(P.S. Walking on egg shells with this one. Please indulge.)

Where do I start? Maybe from when I was a child...

...So as a child, whenever I thought of my "future", at a personal level, I always imagined I'd be married and have kids. I don't know if this is something we all Indian kids grow up with, or atleast the 80s kids grew up with - this notion of a happy family unit being the focal point of living. As I became "worldly wise", I started questioning all these established social institutions of marriage, family, parenting... (even schooling, remember the famous lyrics: We don't need no education :D)

Okay, seriously, as I read about so many cultures, of worlds different from ours, of concepts alien to ours, comparisons were inevitable. Pros and cons were not always fair to "our" side. And while, we could joke about these established institution - having been brought up in primarily traditional family setup, a sincere  debate on the need or questioning the bases, would still be sacrilege. For example, I truly believe that marriage is nothing but a socially accepted form of living together. Family is defined by blood not by signed papers, but guess what? Ownership of wealth and property is defined by signatures - hence there has to be a formalization of relationships. But, when I fell in love, the obvious conclusion was marriage. I can't even begin to imagine if I had merely hinted that marriage would not be necessary. Ouch, never, not even jokingly.

Now, for most, the natural progression after marriage is kids. Yes, I'd always wanted to have kids, that never changed. But once, when long ago, somebody asked me, WHY, I found myself fumbling for the "right" answer. That discussion left me very unsettled. I could appreciate every reason given to me as to why that person did not want to have kids - all were very logical and very sensible. But that didn't seem to affect the fact that I wanted kids.

Surely, it wasn't social conditioning, or was it?

I could swear to death that I LOVE kids - but then why have "my own" - why can't I be happy playing with those around me?

Could it be the unconscious need to live ever after through your child/children. That human hubris that wants immortality. Or you want a successor to "inherit" your legacy? Naah, I think myself to be too practical for that, and I don't really have a kingdom in my will.

Continuing the human race, you say? Hogwash! There are enough people on this earth. If you don't have a child, the human race would not come to an end.

Some argue, to bring about new blood and new thought. Yeah right! How many of us want to have a child only because we want him or her to become like Mother Teresa or a world ruler.

Then, could it be that essentially we are narcissists - so when we see miniature versions of ourselves - we find them adorable and cute - and in a way returning the compliments to ourselves. We wanted the perfect life and we feel we will be able to see that in our children and hence live life once more, the way we wanted to.
But, surely, we know better, don't we - children are individuals in their own right - and they'll go in directions you cannot even fathom, and live lives we can not ever imagine.

Having children surely brings joy - unparalleled joy; but we all know that it also requires lot of compromises, sacrifices, and hard work. Why do we still brave all of that? Only to experience that happiness, which you anyways don't know of till you have a child, and yet you decide to have a child.

And while I continue to search for "THE" answer, I open it to you all. If you have children or want to have children, WHY?