Quarantine Diaries: One is surely enough!

Quite a coincidence that a few days after I updated this blog with the post - One and Done, we had this conversation.

Me: "Manya, I am so done with repeating the same thing over and over again. It's like you have sworn to never listen at the first go." (Don't ask me what this was about - we are in isolation, remember, thanks to COVID-19 - we are all on the edge every now and then, but rest assured it was "not my fault".)

Manya walks to me with determined steps and in a very grave, sombre tone says...

"You know mom, that decision about having just one kid - that was a great decision by you. You simply don't have the patience for another kid."

I was aghast - she sprung that on me out of nowhere - no context, nothing. We haven't talked about this in ages. I could feel the rage rise through me...I tried to keep it all in, and just said cockily..

"Thank you for your great insight. I know my decisions are always right and so am I. Now get back to doing what I am telling you to." 

Juvenile, yes but in my daughter's words, "whatever".

Manya: 01 | Mommy: 01

We'll survive today.

Conversations on death and after...

On our Sunday walk this weekend...

M: Mom, why does this electric pole warning say the word buried - is somebody buried here?

Me: Oh no Manya - it reads electric lines buried - check before digging.

M: Oh I thought you used buried only for people.

Me: No ... anything that is under the ground could be buried.

M: Oh. Mom is there is a graveyard in our city?

Me: Yeah - most cities have cemeteries or graveyards. Ours has one too.

M: Hmm...so all dead people are buried in cemeteries?

Me: Actually, a lot depends on the culture or more so the religion you are born into. Christians and Muslims bury their dead. Hindus burn them - it's called cremation. And then the ashes are usually scattered in a holy river or a place of importance to the person...

M: So what are we again?

Me: Hindus..

M: Oh no, that is cruel. I would never want you or myself to burn.

Me: Manya you have to understand the context - anyways once one is dead they can't feel the "burn". Hindus essentially believe that only the body dies, the soul lives on. So cremating sets the soul free and the body is believed to have come from ashes and returned to ashes. Also, in hinduism, fire is supposed to have a purifying power, something essential for rebirth, for life to continue...it's not really a symbol of destruction..

M: Hmmm. So when you die would you rather I burn you or bury you? I'd prefer to bury you - then I can visit you and have you close by...you know like Anne (of Green Gables) often visits Matthew Cuthbert's grave and plants roses and remembers him...

Me (amused at the inherent presumption of the necessity of death in the question): Umm, I think I'd rather be cremated...you know set free...

M: Okay, and what would I do with your ashes...

Me: Umm, let me think...

M (after great thought and with absolute earnestness): I know, I'll keep a little with myself always - and I will eat some so you will become a part of me...

Me (not oblivious to the morbidity of the conversation, a little emotional at her intent at an ever elusive "forever" and genuinine introspection): Umm keep a little of me with you for sure - but I am and always will be a part of you...irrespective of whether you choose to keep me with you or not - and you surely don't have to consume my ashes.

M: Okay..but I want to have some of your ashes and you know I have an idea what I'll do with the rest. I will sprinkle them in your favorite places...outside your parents' home, in all the pretty beaches, in the mountains. And some I will sprinkle at places that I visit and find very beautiful - so there will be a little of you in all the beautiful places.

Me: I think that is an awesome idea. I couldn't have thought of anything better. This covers it all. Nothing would make me happier.

M: When do you think will be the right time for you to die? I want you to die of old age at 103.

Me: There is no right time to die - we human biengs are inherently greedy - we always want a little more and a little more and a little more. Maybe I'll be at peace when you are well settled in your own independent life - are done with your education, have a career...

M: And you need to meet my daughters too..

Me: Yes and then there is that....but I am confident that you'll take charge of your life and always do what is right and good and I'll always be proud.

M (brushing away emotions in a very mature manner): 103 will be fine mom.

Me: Sure!

(We have reached home by now.. and M rushes to Vish, who has ofcourse no clue to what conversations we have been having...)

M: Daddy, would you like to be burnt or buried? And if burnt, what should I do with your ashes?

Vish (with that look screaming "now what the F#$% is this about"): Umm...what...where...umm...

M: Oh daddy...

(and then she spends the next hour and more debriefing him, after which it's settled in a quick minute that he wants to be one with the mountains and the family settles down for a round of icecream because inspite of the inevitability of the end and the bitterness that underlines it, life must be celebrated for the aching sweetness it brings :))

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Update: And this is why I love blogging, I just realized that 4 years ago we also had a conversation on the subject of death - Read it here. It will be fun to see how our conversations continue to meander as she grows :)

One and done!

Though it is no longer a rarity, the idea of a single kid family is still met with raised eyebrows - especially if the decision is out of choice. And we will get into more of that later but first the why.

There is no really convincing why honestly - I have seen couples make this decision out of finanacial considerations, or because moms don't want to put a hold on their career a second time, or they simply think they are too old etc etc. Different strokes for different people. But let me focus on our case. 

When family members and friends have enquired, depending on how the questions has been put forward I have been either frank and honest or defensive - none of your business really! As I have gained more white strands than I would like, I have realized this line of questioning in any manner does not aggravate me any longer. Maybe because I am now surer of my choice and myself? 

Let's start this at the very beginning. I love kids! I absolutely have adored the tiny version of my brother, all the teeny weeny cousins that followed and the nephews and the nieces. When it came to a family of my own I was very sure I wanted atleast two of my own - all before I touched 30. But life had other plans - I had my lovely munchkin at 29. The sleepless nights and the zombie days that followed, I was convinced I was not cut out for this mothering s@#$. I swear I remember laying awake at night and thinking I had read the signs all wrong - turns out after all I am not a kid person.

In the next two years, I started feeling more like a real mother than an imposter who was faking it all - the conversations at home about a second one got more intense. We thought we should start trying after M turns three-three and a half. I'd be more experienced and she'd be less needy. But guess what happened when missy turned that age - she was potty trained, no diapers, no night feedings, no 100 ton snack and diaper bag needed always; we could pack her and ourselves at short notice and travel. Travel. We realized we have such a happy camper and an absolutely cooperative trooper - cross country flights, flights over the atlantic, jet lag, endless hours in the car and she'd still be cheery. (Knock on wood) It seemed all too perfect to change the dynamics. Suddenly, I was not looking forward to another two years of being a 24 hour all you can have milk bar, endless diapering, and all the sleeplessness all over again. We had really hit a very very sweet spot and didn't want more. And that is it. The fact is we are content and our hearts full. Also the emotional angle cannot be forsaken. The good days were plenty and great but the down days were there too and on those days one predominant thought would come to me was often thank god there's only one who is sick or jet lagged or going thru some phase or the other. Clearly one is all the energy and patience I had for and I embraced it. I did not look forward to being the super mom juggling never ending schedules and appointments and what not. I still do not. But that is for me. I do not judge who wants to have kids and how many or if any at all. God knows I still love kids. Adore all my friends' littles and love and respect those who decided to have more than one or not. 

However organic, honest and real our decision making sounds to us, it's often met with but you are being selfish, but your child will be lonely, but your child will not know how to share and love, but this and but that. If I was writing this post even two years ago, I'd be tempted to post research and articles defending my choice but that would be naive of me. I never referred to those to make my decision - it just happened. So now, I just good naturedly respond to the naysayers and multibaby boomers hey guess we'll just see. I am happy with my decision and that's all that matters. 

Manya used to often say she wants a sibling and that is one guilt that stirs ever so often in my core because I know she would make a great sibling. But I brush it away - for my own sanity - I love functioning within my known capacity limits and have been totaly honest with Manya about it. Added to that I think being a total Type A, my need to be in full control of specific situations, the better half's extremely hectic work days and schedule, I find the thought of being outnumbered by my kids truly daunting ;).  I have confessed to M in so many words, "You complete us so thoroughly that we don't feel the need for another child. Yes, I am sure it would be delightful to have one of your own, a forever friend, a sibling - but mommy and daddy could only manage so much so here you are." When she was 4, one of the moms at her preschool told me that she said, "babies are hard work and my mom doesn't want to work hard enough." Ouch can't say that didn't hurt but got to give the kid A for perception!

They often say that if you feel an aching anticipation in your heart when you see a baby that means you really want one, and while I absolutely enjoy babies, I am ever so glad to give them back to their moms. When I see a baby I see a bundle of joy, albeit a very heavy one, one that requires a lot of endless work and responsibility ;).